Ilforte in Wonderland
by Noella Montoya
Summary: What happens when Wonderland gets Bleached? Why is Ilforte in a dress? Will Barragan ever learn to accept teenagers? All will be revealed!
1. Curious

One particularly boring afternoon, Ilforte Granz was sitting and enjoying the sounds of the forest around him, happy to be finally away from the loud, aggressive gang of friends he usually hung out with.

He was bored and actually quite tired and listening to the sound of the breeze through the trees and small birds chirping was making him feel extremely sleepy.

He started dozing off.

When he woke up a few minutes later, though, he lost every bit of the calm feeling he had.

"Ah! What the... hell?!"

The forest had completely changed!

Everything was more _colourful _and _bright_. The trees had lost their normal shape and had become _twisty_ and _crooked_. The twittering bird calls had morphed into strange screeches, like mutated owls or something.

He stood up drowsily and scrutinized his appearance.

An oversized, baby-blue bow was now placed in his long blonde hair.

He was in a dress.

Yes.

A _lady _dress.

He whistled, and twirled around.

"Huh, this isn't the first time I've woken up in clothes that aren't mine," he said to himself, secretly thinking that his body looked _amazing_ in the frilly blue and white dress.

He dusted himself off and bravely decided that it was time to explore his odd new surroundings.

"Well, I guess I'm heading out _in drag_," he said with a satisfied grin.

Before he could even pick a direction, he heard a familiar voice from behind him.

"Just what do you think you're doing, lass?!"

He turned around to find himself face to face with-

"Barragan?"

"Don't give me sass, young lady!" he snapped back.

Ilforte took a moment to realize that Barragan's ears had been replaced by that of a rabbit's.

"Wait, what are you doing here dressed like Mr. Rogers in a bunny costume?!" Ilforte asked as he watched the Barragan-bunny glance at a large pocket watch in his hand.

One of the ears twitched as Barragan sighed, "Listen, I have no idea who you are but I don't need this. I'm already late."

"What do you mean you don't know who I am, you crazy old coot?! We've worked in the same place for almost a century!" Ilforte growled as he stepped in front of Barragan. "Where are you going anyway?"

"I'm going to ask you one last time: stop harassing me and be on your way, girl!"

"Brother, what the flip?! I'm a _dude_!"

"In a dress?"

"Yeah! Got a problem with that?"

"Yes."

Ilforte narrowed his eyes.

"You're just jealous because you couldn't pull off this look like I can..." he mumbled.

The Barragan-bunny growled in frustration.

"That's it! I don't have time for this!" And with that, he turned to the side of a small hill and leapt down a mysterious rabbit hole.

"Hey, don't just leave me-"

Ilforte looked to see Barragan stuck in the burrow, wiggling his fluffy white tail in annoyance as he tried to get his head out.

He laughed, "Need some help there?"

Barragan's voice drifted out, "Damned teenage girls. Always walking around in their skinny, trampy little outfits and expecting the rest of the world to be just like them... All thin and pretty..."

Ilforte spread his arms exasperatedly and rolled his eyes.

"Dude, come on! Are you freaking nuts or something?! I'm a _man_!"

He looked down.

"In a dress..."

"I don't care what you are! Listen up, little man-lady, I'm really late and I need you to go away because you're making me very self-conscious."

"_I'm_ making _you_ self-conscious?! I'm in tights, for God's sake!"

"Oops, no. I'm unstuck," Barragan said, squirming through.

He peered out of the burrow, squinting angrily at Ilforte. "Now, leave me alone before I get my mace, you stupid teenager!"

"But wait, where are you-?" Ilforte started to ask a question but then Barragan disappeared down the rabbit hole.

"You can't just leave me here!" Ilforte called down.

He cast one last look at the misty forest before leaping down the curious rabbit hole himself.

**AN: Hi! Wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it? As you can see, my style has changed quite a bit but I think it's tolerable! Right?! I hope so... This is my first crossover so please bear with me! I know my chapters are shorter than a squirrel's attention span! I was using the actual book for reference as I wrote this but I tried to add a dash of... Ilforte-ness to it! Anyway, thanks so much for reading!~**


	2. Annoyance

Ilforte felt like he had been falling forever. It was like being thrown into an endless pit.

After falling for what felt like a very confusing five minutes, Ilforte yelled, "Okay, old man! What the hell is this?!"

He was answered by the echoing of his own voice as he continued to fall.

After another minute of the wind whistling in his ears, he began to feel uneasy in the silence and started to sing to himself, although humming Journey songs didn't help him for once in his life. He didn't mind though, as it filled the somewhat awkward quietness of the situation.

As he sang, he thought.

_What if I never stop falling? What if I'm stuck here forever? Where am I anyway?!_

He looked around, squinting in the darkness. Jars of strange objects and unusual oil paintings flew past him Assortments of insects, cupboards and playing cards were hung in a crooked, disorderly fashion that would make even the messiest person want to fix them.

He continued to fall until he thought he couldn't fall any longer.

"_Any way you want it, that's the way you need it! Any way you want it_- Ow!"

His song ended with an unceremonious thud as he hit the ground.

"Crap!" he exclaimed. He stood up shakily and glanced around.

He caught sight of Barragan rushing around in the dim corridors. whispering to himself about being late and 'those gosh-darned teenage girls'.

"Could you stop for one second?!" cried Ilforte as he hurried to his feet and tried to follow Bunny-Barragan.

He was dismayed when he found himself standing all alone in a corridor, lantern light flickering across his features.

Groaning in frustration, he tried to open the many doors all around him, but found they were all locked. He figured that maybe, if he applied his psychic abilities in the correct fashion, he might be able to unlock the doors simply using the power of his mind.

I'm sure you could imagine his disappointment when he remembered that he didn't actually have psychic powers.

He couldn't kick the doors down because, in his new attire, he would feel awfully 'un-ladylike' in doing so.

He settled for the dim, ominous passageway leading down the middle and ended up in a large room with a single table within it.

On the table, Ilforte spotted a gold key.

He turned around to make sure nobody was watching him and whistled softly and casually to himself before running back and snatching the key off the table. Quickly, he crouched down and shut his eyes tightly.

After a minute he sighed, "Nope! Not a booby trap!"

He returned to what he had deemed 'the hall of many doors' and tried to see if the key would fit any of them.

No such luck.

But Ilforte was determined to find out where the mysterious key belonged.

He searched around the room once more and then felt his leg brush up against something velvety.

He jumped in surprise and looked down to find a little purple curtain. Ilforte got on his hands and knees and then pulled the curtain back to reveal a tiny door about the right size for either a medium sized rat or a large Smurf.

On the door was an intricate looking lock just the right size for the key.

After fiddling with it for a few seconds, Ilforte heard a light click as the door opened.

Tossing the key back on the table, he leaned in and gasped with amazement as he gazed out at the most beautiful garden he had ever seen.

And this man had seen a lot of gardens.

"Whoa," he breathed as he peered through the door.

The garden was filled with vibrant Ilforte, some of which Ilforte had never seen before. Flowers of all shapes and sizes poked out of the bright green grass.

"Damn," he hissed to himself. "I'm way too freaking' big to fit!"

Finding no reason to sit around and stare at the garden any longer, our brave protagonist began to look around for something to help him with his little predicament.

Turning around with a scowl on his face, Ilforte glanced at the table again to find a bottle sitting on it, glinting in the light as if beckoning him.

He smiled and exclaimed, "Hey! Free vodka!"

Snatching the bottle off the table, he examined it a bit more closely to find that it wasn't vodka but some unknown clear substance. He found a sticky note carelessly plastered to the side of the container.

In large, scrawly black letters, the note practically screamed at the reader, **_'Drink me. Go ahead, I dare you.'_**

Popping the top of the bottle open, Ilforte sniffed the contents of the bottle. Finding nothing out of the ordinary about the scent and not being one to decline a challenge, Ilforte hesitantly took a few sips from the bottle.

To his delight, the liquid actually did taste like liquor. He waited for a few seconds, ready to feel some funked-up alcohol buzz and while he didn't feel funked-up very much, he did notice _something_ funky going on.

Something unnatural, awkward and freaky. Something that he wished would just be over with already.

At first he thought he might be going through puberty again but found that instead of growing, he was doing quite the opposite

This funky thing, to be exact, was him shrinking to be about the size of that large Smurf mentioned earlier.

At first, Ilforte was utterly confused. He had no idea what to do. He was afraid to move because he thought that if he did, he'd keep on shrinking until he was invisible.

_Did it stop? Maybe, you can shrink so much, you'll be more than invisible! Or wait, maybe it'd be less than invisible, _he thought as stayed standing still.

After a couple of minutes, he thought it was stupid to keep on standing there like a squirrel in oncoming traffic, so very gently, very carefully, he took a small and delicate, Smurf-like step.

Nothing happened. His height stayed the same.

Satisfied that he wouldn't become a subatomic particle, Ilforte, now the perfect size, headed toward the door. He braced himself for impact, prepared to make a bold entrance as he burst into the garden. After pacing a fair distance away, he rushed up to the door, emitting his most vicious battle cry, only to remember that he had forgotten something of vital importance to this plan. He had forgotten the key to the door on the table and now, even if he wanted to turn around, he was too small to reach it.

He remembered all of this a second too late though.

He nearly knocked himself out with the force that his body hit the door, recoiled and was flung onto the hard floor again.

"Ah!" he hissed as he stood up again, wincing. He glowered at the door.

"What do they make these things out of, anyway? Diamond?!"

After snarling a stream of obscene words, both at the small door and at the situation itself, he whipped around to come face to face with a plate of some weird looking cookies.

Wandering over for closer inspection, Ilforte found that these also had a message attached to them.

In the same impersonal handwriting he'd seen on the funked-up vodka bottle was a note that read, **'****_Wow. I can't believe you actually drank that stuff. Now, eat me. Go on. I triple-dog dare you.'_**

Ilforte had now grown a little bit skeptical about the motives of whoever was writing all of this or even creating such strange food in the first place but if there was one thing that Ilforte Granz would never do, even in a dress, it was back down from a challenge given to him by a plate of cookies.


	3. Questionable

**Um, hi! I just wanted to apologize in advance for the short chapters. I really hope t doesn't piss you off too much. I believe I'm going to be writing more frequently** **from now on. The story itself is just awfully long but I really think it'd be fun to write. I'm trying to get the characters sorted out and kind of add my own element into the story. Okay, my rant is over! As always, I hope you enjoy!~**

Ilforte tentatively bit into one of the cookies and, not repulsed by the taste, finished it off. He waited for something weird to happen, now accustomed to something weird happening every time he did anything.

And sure enough, he found himself growing taller.

At first, he thought he was going to return to his original height but after a moment found that he was continuing to grow until his head hit the ceiling. Then, it abruptly stopped.

"Aw, crap! I can't even eat a freakin' cookie around here without my body being completely messed up! My insides must be completely squished in there. I hope I don't die of some strange organ failure."

Then he groaned, "Man, I'm starting to sound like my idiot brother."

After a few minutes of being stuck with his arms pinned uncomfortably at his sides and his neck twisted at an odd angle, Ilforte decided it was time to try and Hulk-smash his way out of there. As it turns out, he didn't exactly know his own strength and ended up busting a water pipe in the ceiling, causing water to spray out and start filling the area around his feet.

As you can imagine, Ilforte was very frustrated at this point and began cursing at the top of his lungs. This, of course, caused a lot of commotion and the ever-annoyed Bunny-Barragan came shuffling in to complain, ready to smack down some rebellious adolescents.

As he came in the room, huffing and puffing away, he was startled to find himself face-to-face (or more like face-to-ankle) with Ilforte.

"Oh, hey! Old dude! Glad you're here! I kinda need some help with-"

"Foul teenage girl!" cried Barragan, holding his fingers up in the shape of a cross. "You have taken the form of a _demon_! Away from me, you thug!"

"No, dude, hold your hemorrhoids! It's me! And I kinda need your help to-"

"All of you are the same! I'll have a word to the Duchess about this!" the bunny exclaimed before dashing off.

In his hurry to get away from the androgynous monster, Bunny-Barragan dropped a fan and a pair of gloves in the doorway.

"Dude! You forgot your..." Ilforte watched helplessly as his only hope of escaping hopped hastily away. "...stuff..."

He sighed and scooped them up off them ground, gazing distastefully at them.

"Stupid Barragan. After all we've been through together. After all I've done for him! And he can't even help me out?!" he hissed. Really, Ilforte had never done anything for Barragan, nor did Barragan care about this.

But Ilforte was in great need of help.

Either that or a cheeseburger.

Those cookies weren't filling at all.

All of a sudden, Ilforte noticed something; he was shrinking. And this time, he didn't even know the cause of it.

"Ah, crap," he mumbled as he began his descent.

Before he knew it, he was small enough to climb onto the glass table without breaking it. And that's exactly what he did.

He continued to shrink.

"Oh!" he cried in sudden realization. "Bunny dude's stupid stuff!"

Once he had placed the gloves and fan down on the table, that terribly odd feeling stopped and his height remained the way it was.

With a sigh of relief, he smiled and eyed the little golden key, which was sitting patiently, right where Ilforte had left it.

Before he could even move, a loud thud resounded from somewhere inside the chamber and Ilforte recoiled in surprise, lost his footing and fell off the table, landing with a splash in the water that had sprayed from the pipes.

He surfaced with a scowl on his face.

"Aw, come on!" he screamed in frustration, narrowing his eyes at the key as if it would feel some kind of shame.

A moment later, he felt bad for doing this. It wasn't the poor key's fault. Although, Ilforte kind of envied the key. Sitting high atop the table, shimmering and solitary, it almost seemed to possess a smug quality to it. It was a key, not very large but certainly in charge, and it knew this.

As Ilforte was contemplating how long he had to live before he died some horrible, water-related death, he spotted something.

It was a mouse. A sad looking mouse, at that.

At first, Ilforte didn't know whether or not he should try speaking to it.

_Might as well give it a shot,_ he thought doubtfully. After all, he had ended up in a world where cookies could make you grow to be the size of a giraffe. Why _wouldn't_ a mouse be able to speak?

"Um, excuse me... Mouse?" Ilforte called tentatively.

The mouse's tail flicked and it locked eyes with Ilforte, twitching its little whiskers disdainfully.

Ilforte was surprised to hear the mouse reply, in a lower tone than he expected, "Yes?"

"Uh, do you happen to know a way out of here?"

The mouse, paddling his little paws furiously, said, "I do. If you'll stop gawking at me like an idiot, I can show you."

Suddenly, Ilforte recognized the voice of the fluffy white mouse.

"Ulquiorra? Is that... you?"

The mouse gazed back unblinkingly, his black eyes glittering with dull annoyance. Ilforte reminded himself to be happy that looks couldn't kill.

The mouse sighed miserably.

"Come, girl. Let's go."

The mouse began swimming away but turned back when Ilforte yelled, "How many times do I have to say it?! I am a _man_!"

The Ulquiorra-Mouse stared at Ilforte.

"In a dress?" he questioned listlessly.

"_Yes_!"

Ulquiorra scoffed. "Well, I'm not one to judge," he murmured and then started swimming again.

Ilforte facepalmed and then followed. He wasn't really sure why he was in a dress in the first place, nor was he sure why Ulquiorra was a mouse.

But he knew he was in this strange place for a reason and by the hammer of Thor, he was going to find out why.


End file.
